Last time I went to Goa, in 1997, I spent four days in
bed with dysentery at a hotel where our bedroom toilet could only be cleared by throwing
buckets of water down it. Not something
you need when you’re on your deathbed.
15 years on and in another life, I was determined that this time, we would be staying in a
place where a) I would not get ill b) if I did, I would have access to a properly working toilet (preferably with a gold plated handle). And hence we
found ourselves on a monsoon getaway to the Taj Exotica, a five star holiday resort in South Goa set in 56 hectares of manicured
lawn, with abundant amenities such as the Jiva Spa, swimming pool, 9 hole golf
course, umpteen restaurants and in-house
shops (yaaay). It would be a well earned break for Mr Jules (as I am permanently on vacation anyway).
The Taj Exotica, at Benaulim, really is a beautiful retreat away from the
madness that is Mumbai. No constant
beeping horns, no beggars tapping on your window, no horrific slums to ruin the
view – it’s wonderfully antiseptic.
Despite our best efforts however, I did still end up getting a sore stomach but for reasons other than bacterial. In a bizarre attempt at excellent customer service, the Taj decided to 'force' food upon us every time we entered one of its in-house restaurants! Bear in mind that we would kick off the day with a substantial buffet
breakfast – probably some nice fruit and a mango yoghurt, followed by a fried English
style breakfast (well I am allowed to, I’ve eaten fruit), followed by pastries
and toast. And then later, not being bothered
to leave the hotel premises, we would stuff ourselves with an extensive lunch
buffet – salad, followed by curry and parathas followed by a selection of
desserts. Well you have to get your money’s worth don’t you?
So what we would have in mind in the evening would be to eat a light meal. Honest Guv! But against our best efforts, for two of the three evenings it would pan out something like this:
Upon giving our order, “Can I not interest you in a starter Sir?"
"No thanks we’re
just having a main course”
"Are you sure Sir"
"Yes I am very sure thank you".
Two minutes
later….
”I would like to present with the compliments of the chef, a mushroom
soup topped with a lecithin froth”.
Oh great thanks, just what I always wanted, some froth made out of lecithin.
After the free soup and the main course, so it goes:
“Would you not like a dessert madam?”
”Oh no thanks I’m full, I really just wanted a main course”.
"Are you sure Madam"
"Oh yes, quite sure thank you!"
One can't deny that the service is amazing at the Taj. Five
minutes later the waiter approaches the table:
“I would like to present you
with traditional Goan dessert called Bebinca. My mother cooked this when I was small, it brings back such happy memories”
(A layered custardy cake thing,
with the consistency of a brick).
“Oh
marvellous thanks”.
We force down the brick with a forced smile/grimace, whilst the waiter stands
over the table ensuring that we are enjoying our complimentary dessert. And then he follows this up with a 'gratis' glass of feni - the local liqueur. It burns a hole in my throat and turns the food in my stomach into some sort of terrible chemistry experiment.
Next evening…and another in-house restaurant, this time Italian. We just want a bowl of spaghetti each.
“Can I get you a starter madam?"
"Oh no
thanks, I had the unlimited lunch buffet I am not that hungry”
"Are you really sure Madam?"
"Yes I really really am sure, thanks"
Three minutes later:
"The chef would like to present you with this basket of breads and oils and this beautiful plate of bruschetta"
Fabulous. Now I think we're being stalked. Unfortunately the bruschetta is topped with smoked salmon, so Mr Jules can't eat any of it (oh yeah he can't actually eat raw tomato anyway) so it's left to me to consume the whole lot (well it would be rude not to). I just about manage to
squeeze that down and then the over-sauced main course of Spaghetti Carbonara.
“Would you like to see
the dessert menu?"
"No thanks can we just
have the bill please?”
Ten minutes later:
“Here is your bill and selection of petit fours, with our compliments”…..aaaaaagh! Barf. (We are definitely being stalked by the chef).
The chef/stalker then comes out to ask us if we are
satisfied with our meal and despite the fact we are looking green, we give him the
thumbs up.
On the third night, too afraid to leave our room, we order the "in-house dining".
Here are the photos of the hotel, tomorrow I will post
pictures of some of the sites we visited.